On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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