hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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