i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You can't just leave with hair like that
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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