Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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