she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
