yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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