Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
