While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
