after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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