UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
