my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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