So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
