You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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