I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
