Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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