DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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