Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
