I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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