i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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