Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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