It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What drink are we having for lunch?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
