I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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