when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
