roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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