I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
