Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
