bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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