i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
