You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
