My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
