so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
