i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
