Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
