He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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