you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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