all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
