i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
