I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
