But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
