im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
