I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
