i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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