Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
