I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
