I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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