Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
