My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do vagina's smell?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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