I am spending my child support on dildos
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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