The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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