Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
