my sisters under your porch take her home
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
