Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
