I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
