I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
