I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize