I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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