i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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