I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
