There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
