3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
