So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
