You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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