I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
