Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
