only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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