we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
